Cutting for Love
by Jennette1
Summary: Everytime Dan think's lustfully of Phil, Dan punishes himself by cutting. But can Phil realize in time, before it's too late? and when he does realize, will Phil reject Dan? Rated M for self harm, drinking, smut, implication, and graphic scenes.
1. Chpt 1: Coffee

Dan's POV.

Dan sat in his car for about ten minutes. How could he hide this much longer? Sighing, Dan got out, bringing him and Phil's Starbucks. Phil had absolutely no idea that Dan was hopelessly in love with him. How could he? Every time he found himself thinking about Phil, lusting for him, he would leave… and the scar's would appear.

"_Fag" _He would think, the metal ripping his arm open.

Shaking his head, almost grabbing his arm but remembering the coffee, he opened the door to him and Phil's flat.

"Phil, Coffee" Dan yelled out, closing the door with his foot.

"Coming" Phil yelled back, the sweet voice coming from his bedroom.

Smiling at the sound of The raven-haired boy's voice, Dan walked to the couch, grabbing his laptop and sitting down, sipping his own coffee.

"Hey, where's mine" Phil questioned, walking in on Dan, mid-drink.

"Kitchen, and no I am _not _getting it, you can walk you lazy bum" Dan said, smirking.

With a small sad face for being called a bum, Phil went into the kitchen, and came back with his own drink, plopping down next to Dan.

"Thanks for getting this. How have you been lately?" Phil asked, glancing down at Dan's arm.

Dan had no response, so Phil just put a hand on his arm. "I'm worried about you Dan. It seems every time you go in your room, you cut. What's causing you to do this" Phil sat closer.

Dan didn't speak. He didn't talk, move, or glance over at Phil. He just sat there, barely blinking.

"Dan" Phil asked, taking his friends hand.

Dan's big brown eyes turned to Phil's blue eyes, a dull brown instead of their normal happy blue color.

"I'm just tired. Really Phil. No big deal" He said, closing his laptop and walking away. Leaving a sad and confused Phil in the living room, Dan shut his door.


	2. Chpt 2: Cut Cut away

Phil's POV

Phil sat back, watching as Dan went to his room.

"That was weird" he sighed, taking a drink of his coffee. Yet he worried, that was very unexpected of Dan. Why was he tired? Didn't he just have coffee? That usually wakes Dan right up! Looking around, Phil tried to find some reason to go into Dan's room. Any reason really. Seeing the brown eyed boy's coffee, he quickly decided on something to say, and headed for his roommates door.

"Dan? You left your coffee out there. Are you alright? Dan?" Phil quickly tried the door, panic rising in his voice. When he found the door locked, he started really freaking out. "Dan, you're not going to get anything out of cutting! Please, please open the door!" Phil pleaded, getting more desperate in his attempts to open the door.

"Phil, please just leave" was his only response, the voice sounded as if it was crying.

"Dan, we both know that I'm not going to leave until you open this damn door! I will break it down If need be, that way you can't just run in here anytime," Phil threatened, setting down the coffee's to the side. "now open the door".

"Phil! No!" There was some rustling, and it took long enough to raise suspicion, but soon the door opened, standing a pale Dan in a sudden hood. "Phil" he moaned, holding his head, his sleeve falling towards him showing off his bloody arm. "Oh my god, how bad is it" Phil said, grabbing Dan by the shoulders and pushing him back to the bed, where he lied him down.

"Take off the jacket Dan" Phil commanded.

"No"

"Dan! Take it off now!"

"No Phil" Dan's voice was getting tired

"Damn it Dan, you have no choice in the matter! I need to take care of your arm" Phil said, ripping the hood off of his bleeding roommate. Only Phil found something more then he thought he would.

"Dan.. your shirt is covered in blood. What the bloody hell Dan! Did you cut your chest! Oh my god! Get it off, if I can't help I _am_ calling an ambulance." Phil almost screamed, running for towels, medicines, and bandages.

As carefully as he could, Dan proceeded to take off his shirt, gasping in pain.

"Hold still, you really cut deep on some of these. And the ones you didn't, are long. I can't believe this Dan, we might have to get you counseling. Why can't you just tell me why you are doing this? Oh, bother! Stay strong, this will take awhile". Phil said, annoyed.

For the next half hour, Phil did his best to clean up Dan, feeling Dan's head and feeling his pulse when he stopped moaning, crying, or grunting for awhile.

**Sorry the chapters are so short, I hope I can make longer ones soon. Please review, that way I know if it's worth continuing! **


	3. Chpt 3: After Math and Decisions

Phil's POV

He waited until Dan was asleep, watching for the sure sign he was. What was he going to do? Why couldn't Dan tell Phil? Sighing, Phil rubbed his eyes again, his body still shaking. It had been a nightmare, cleaning up Dan. He wouldn't stop moving, squirming, crying out in pain. Every time he did so, Phil would end up either accidently hurting him, or being too shaky to continue for awhile. It was _killing_ them both. Dan physically, Phil mentally. What in the universe was causing Dan to do this? All of a sudden his best friend went from a normally happy guy, rarely doing anything even close to this, and now…

"Phil.." At the sound of his name, Phil shot up, ready to help Dan.

"Dan, what's wrong? Are you alright? Will you please tell me what is going on" Phil begged, getting on his knees next to Dan.

"I just wanted to say thank you. You shouldn't have to clean me up, you should have someone better. Someone who isn't a little bitch like me. I don't think its worth it anymore…I think I…Never mind. Can you get me some water?" Dan thought aloud.

"You aren't a little bitch, and its fine. I don't want to see you doing this ever again. You mean too much to me Dan. I'll get you some water" Phil sighed, getting up and leaving to get water.

**Dan's POV**

**(**_**Italicized = **_**Dan's thoughts)**

Dan laid there for awhile, thinking on what Phil had just said. _"Did he really mean it when he said '"_You mean too much to me" '?" Dan thought to himself. "_Of course not. He isn't gay like you" _Dan felt tears in his eyes, but he quickly blinked them away, quick enough for Phil not to see.

"Thank you" Dan said, looking apologetic.

"It's no big deal Dan. I'd do anything for you. Now no getting up unless I say. I want your body to heal a bit more. I'm a worried mess over you Dan. We will be talking about this" Phil said, placing a hand on Dan's shoulder.

Dan couldn't help but smile. His best friend, the one he was completely and utterly in love with, could never know. What would he do if Phil found out? It was so hard to hide it, could it last forever? Sometime's Dan just wanted to scream out his feelings for Phil. But Dan knew if Phil found out, He would probably kill himself.

"_And knowing me, I will take that seriously"_

**A/N. So sorry the chapters are still short. They will get longer, I promise. Thank you for reading, I hope I don't disappoint you :p. Also if you don't like something about it, let me know. It's my first story and I plan on writing more, so I want to know what you guys like. Thank you!**


	4. Chpt 4: The shower

Dan's POV

It had been 2 weeks since that cutting. Phil wouldn't let Dan out his sight, which of course made it even harder for Dan. They would be sitting in starbucks when Dan would think how Phil would look on his bed, the two kissing, hands touching, moaning…

"_Snap out of it"_ Dan ordered himself, shaking his head.

He looked over at Phil, who didn't seem to notice. Currently the two were watching "Kill Bill" One of Phil's favorite things in the world.

"_I wish I was one of Phil's favorite things…God, All I want is his lips on mine!" _Dan thought wistfully.

"Did you say something" Phil said, glancing at Dan, not wanting to miss a second of what the TV showed.

"What? No, no, I didn't say anything" Dan quickly said, his voice cracking and face turning tomato red.

"O..K" Phil said, confused. Luckily he seemed to have brushed it off, getting back to his show.

"_Did I really say that out loud? Oh my god, I need to be more careful. I would die If he knew!" _

"I'm tired Phil. If I swear not to cut, will you let me go to bed" Dan said, looking over at Phil.

"Dan…I trust you, I really do. But I don't want anything to happen. I know I can't force you to stay up… You're going straight to bed?" Phil said, looking over at him concerned.

"A shower then bed" Dan justified.

"Oh…Yeah. Go ahead, but I might check on you later tonight. Be safe" Phil finally agreed.

"Thanks Mr. safety" Dan teased, leaving to go to the bathroom.

Phil just rolled his eyes, going back to his "Kill Bill"

Walking into the bathroom, he quickly closed the door, turned on the light, and locked himself in the room. He looked around, and gave a sigh, undressed**, **went to look in the mirror.

Looking in the bathroom mirror, Dan gave a sigh. "_God I'm so fat. I hate myself, I hate the way I look, the way I am. If only I could make Phil like me. How could I? When he looks at me, all he's doing is looking at a fat pig. He's going to get suspicious if I don't turn on the water soon" _And with that, Dan turned on the water, still angry with how ugly and disgusting he thought he looked. _"If I was skinny it would make a big difference. I wish I wasn't such a fat guy."_

**Phil's POV**

(_Italicized words= Phil's thoughts)_

"_I will never get over how good this show is"_ Phil thought, watching Kill Bill for the 3rd time that night. Then he realized; _"It has been at least two hours, is Dan seriously still in the shower? What the heck"_ So, with a sigh, Phil stood up, turned off the TV, and headed for the bathroom.

**-Knock knock- **

"Dan, are you still in there? I'm getting worried about you. Dan!" Phil said, trying the door knob.

"Yeah, I'm coming out. I've been thinking, sorry!" was his response.

"One hell of a thought, you've been in there for two hours. I will search you for cut marks" Phil said, suspicious.

"You, Sir, are over protective" Dan said, coming out, still wet.

After Phil was satisfied with finding no new cuts, he finally agreed to letting Dan go to bed.

"I told you I wouldn't cut" Dan said, walking past him.

**Dan's POV**

"I told you I wouldn't cut" and with that, He walked past Phil

"_I never said I wouldn't do something else"_

**A/N. Please review! Tell me what you liked, didn't like, thought Dan did in the bathroom for two hours, and what you think will happen next! **

**For all the bro's out there who read this, don't believe the rumor's going around. They're not true I found proof.**


	5. Chpt 5:The Party and It's confessions

**-Two Weeks Later-**

**Phil's POV**

"Hey Dan! You get that text from PJ."

"Yeah, about the party? Sounds like fun to me, should we go?"

"It's a PJ party! Why not? Aint no party like a PJ party." Phil laughed.

"That works for anything! Aint no party like a Dan party, aint no party like a Phil party, aint no party like a llama party." Dan said, rolling his eyes.

"Then let's get ready, the party is in two hours, and knowing PJ, we will be wasted by the end of the night" Phil said, his voice showing off his excitement.

Dan smiled, and quickly looked away.

"_Well that was weird. Is he..Blushing? Whatever, I don't want to upset him and ask him. Maybe he thought of something embarrassing?" _

"Uh, anyway. So, what shall we do until then?" Phil asked, looking around their flat. It may look like there were lots of things to do from their videos, but when you live there for awhile, it's just plain boring.

"Skyrim, Mario Kart, Video's, twitter. We could find something" Dan said, trying to brighten up the mood.

"Let's do it" Phil said, his face immediately lifting up.

Picking up a controller, Dan headed to the Wii as Phil grabbed a controller of his own and threw himself on the couch, laughing.

"Bring it on Danny boy" He cried out.

"It's on Philly" yelled Dan as he jumped on Phil.

"Ow! Ok, Ok! But you're still going down in Mario Kart" Phil laughed, shoving Dan off.

Dan chose Donkey Kong, as Phil decided to choose Mario.

"You cannot defeat me Mario! I will prevail by hitting you with a turtle shell" Dan screamed, dodging a banana.

"You stupid Ape, that's a green shell, I could dodge it with my eyes closed" Phil called out, cracking up at their stupidity.

"Yeah obviously" Dan said, passing the spinning Mario, who did get hit by the shell.

"Gahh! I let you win" Phil said after that round, shoving Dan the slightest.

The two British boys played for another half hour, laughing and dodging each other's attacks.

"Well, I say we go ahead and go. Don't want to be late" Phil said, checking the time.

"What? We still have forty-five minutes! Oh, bother, we don't have any other idea's to do. Why not? Even though I _hate_ being early." Dan thought aloud.

The two picked up their cell phones, and headed for the door.

**Dan's POV**

"_For once in a long time, we finally got to hang out, be together, have fun…And I didn't have to leave because I couldn't stop thinking about him. About how perfect he is, and how sexy he looks while playing games. Maybe, just maybe, it was just a stage? One hell of a stage" _Dan thought, referring and looking down at his chest and arms.

Walking down the many stairs, the two boys finally ended up outside, to Phil's car, and on the road.

"You have been playing Mario Kart, or you cheated Mr. Howell" Phil said jokingly.

"Well Mr. Lester, I think you need to accept the fact that I am a god at video games, and much better then you" Dan argued back, laughing.

"Oh really? It's on; we will have a video gaming contest! Why not record it too, let the fan's enjoy" Phil challenged, knowing Dan couldn't resist.

"Very well, looks as if I have no choice in the matter, it's on. When do you plan on having this" Dan asked, looking over at the driving, sexy Phil.

"We can discuss that later. Right now, we are going to get wasted" Phil said, looking over at Dan and acting drunk.

Dan just shrugged, and the two got out. _"I wonder what will happen tonight. One of us will have to be the designated driver, I am NOT spending the night at PJ's again, last time I woke up with a fake tattoo saying I love dick. Wouldn't have been so bad if Phil wasn't there._"

**-Knock Knock-**

"Well, look at what the world brings us. It's Dan and Phil everybody!" PJ yelled to the house, who yelled back in satisfaction. It was obvious about everyone but four people were drunk, in a house of easily 50 people.

"Phil, meet back here at about 11 ok? I am not spending the night here again" Dan said, turning to Phil as they walked in.

"Yeah yeah. Wait, who is going to be the driver" Phil asked, quickly.

"I am, don't worry. Now go get drunk dumby" Dan said, sending him off.

Phil looked back, appreciative and sad, mostly because his best friend was giving up a goodnight full of being drunk to take them home, but happy that he could get drunk.

Dan rolled his eyes, and went to talk to someone who was sober.

**-four hours later-**

"Phil? God damn it, It's time to go, and I have to run and look for the idiot. Probably knocked out somewhere" Dan mumbled to himself.

"_Think on the bright side, he does look sexy while he sleeps." _

Dan shook his head, looking among the knocked out, making out, and drinking people.

"Phil" he yelled out, trying to spot the raven haired, pale boy.

"There you are" Dan was finally able to say, finding his friend laughing against a wall.

"DANNY" he cried out, running over and giving him a hug.

"You idiot, come on" Dan said, his face turning red fast.

"Oh, come on, please! I want to stay longer Danny" Phil cried out, about to cry and laugh at the same time.

"No, you've had quite enough" Dan said, taking the drink from Phil, putting it down, grabbing Phil and getting in his car.

"My car, I wanna drive" Phil whined, laughing.

"Hell no, you are drunker then Dora is annoying."

"Please" Phil yelled out.

"No. Get in drunk"

"Oh, pooh you" Phil said, finally getting in.

The two drove, Phil going on about whatever a drink mind can think, Dan acting as if he was interested, laughing at Phil's stupidity.

"_If only I could just kiss him" _Dan thought, again wistfully.

When the two got home, Dan dragged Phil up half the stairs, complaining about how Phil weighed a ton.

"Here we are" Dan moaned, opening the door to their boring flat.

"Yo, wassup people?" Phil yelled out, laughing.

"It's just me and you drunk" Dan rolled his eyes, and shut the door, not forgetting to lock it.

"You, my friend, look sexy as hell"

"_What the-"_

Dan turned around, to see Phil staring at him, leaning against a wall.

"What" Dan said, his face turning the brightest red it had in a long time.

"I said you are sexy as hell. I want to kiss you so bad" Phil said, stumbling towards him.

"You've had too much to drink Phil" Dan said, looking away ashamed. _"Phil is so drunk he is acting like he likes me. This shouldn't hurt as much as it does"_

"Shh, don't tell Dan" Phil whispered.

"Tell Dan what" Dan played along.

"That I like him dumb one"

And with that, Phil fell to the floor out cold. Leaving behind a confused, excited, and nervous Dan.

**A/N. Hope you enjoyed. Please review!**


	6. Chpt 6: Dinner tonight then?

**Phil's POV**

"Oh…Ugh…" The moans slipped out of Phil's mouth, one after the other. When the hung over guy tried moving, he almost yelped in pain.

"What the heck happened," he whined, moving a hand to his head cautiously. "And why the bloody hell am I on the ground? Dan. Daniel!" Phil yelled out, sitting up slowly off the hallway ground.

"What! I was trying to sleep, thank you very much! There better be a dead body, its 9 a.m." Dan yelled back, coming out of his room to Phil.

"What happened last night? I'm sorer than…than…A lion. After doing something exhausting" Phil complained.

"Well you passed out after about 50 drinks" Dan rolled his eyes.

"So why did I wake up on the ground" Phil's voice rose up, the way it does when he gets excited or defendant.

"Because my dear Phillip, you are heavier then you look" Dan said, heading to the kitchen for breakfast.

"Well you are making me breakfast" Phil said, trying to sound manly.

"Yes dear, and what would you like" Dan said, in his Becky voice.

"Haha! Pancakes of course!" Phil said animated*

"Pancakes coming right up" Dan said, getting out the ingredients from the fridge.

"Yay" Phil said, laughing like a child.

Dan cooked the pancakes, laughing once in awhile at Phil who couldn't seem to remember half the things he said.

"Did I say anything important Dan?" Phil said, while Dan was laughing. Suddenly, the laughter stopped, the only sound was of the cooking Pancakes.

"No. Nothing" Dan said, sounding rather sad.

"Oh..ok" Phil said quietly.

"_What did I say? He must be hiding. Oh bother! I'll get it out of him later, I have pancakes coming. I hope…I hope I didn't say anything that offended him or something sad. Perhaps an old memory? I'll find out"_

**Dan's POV**

"Did I say anything important Dan?" Phil said, while Dan was laughing.

"_You, my friend, look sexy as hell. I want to kiss you so bad. Shh, don't tell Dan! That I like him dumb one!" _

"No. Nothing"

"Oh..ok"

The memories surged Dan, making him feel almost nauseated. He shook them off, continuing his cooking for Phil.

"_Was he too drunk? Was he telling the truth? Am I getting my hopes high? Gosh, I just want to know! There must be something, anything!"_

"Phil.." Dan started, almost turning to face his friend.

"Yeah Dan"

"…"

"Dan?"

"Pancakes are done"

"Oh. Ok."

"_I wasn't able to do it. I couldn't, he'd be too embarrassed to even think about liking me. No. He couldn't like me. But oh god, how I love him. I wish I knew his touch. I wish his kiss was familiar. I wish…I wish he was mine, and I was his. It's not fair"_

Dan set the plate of hot, steaming pancakes down on the table, in front of Phil who was fiddling with his shoe.

"What on earth are you doing?" Dan questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"That one, plastic piece fell out of the whole in my shoe. I can't get it back in because the plastic piece was broken, and the string is going crazy" Phil whined, setting down the shoe.

"You're weird. I'm going to go do some things in my room, and then I will eat. OK?" Dan said, rolling his eyes.

"Sure" Phil said, about to devour the pancakes.

Dan walked to his room, looking back at the beautiful, raven haired boy.

"_It isn't fair" _was the thought that drove Dan to his room.

"_It isn't fair" _was the thought that made him lock the door.

"_It isn't fair"_ was the thought that made him pick up the razor.

"_It isn't fair"_ was the thought that made Dan force the shiny and sharp object against his arm.

"_It isn't fair" _was what he carved in his leg.

"_It isn't fair" _was what kept Dan slashing. Over and over.

"_It isn't fair" _was all Dan thought.

**Phil's POV**

"OM" Phil said, taking another bite from his Pancakes. Dan had went to do some business in his room before he himself came out to eat the delicious pancakes he had made.

"Good enough to take away any hangover" Phil joked, taking another bite.

"_Dan acted weird when I asked if I had said anything important, I wonder what business he has to do"_

In the middle of swallowing Phil suddenly jumped up, causing him to choke on his pancakes.

"Dan" Phil screamed, running for his friend's room.

"Dan, Dan, Dan, Open this door, this instant! I swear Dan, I will break it down! Open the door, We can talk" Phil's words had so much panic in them, it was hard to understand.

"Daniel, please" Phil cried, hitting the door again, falling to his knees, tears in his eyes.

"Phil?" The door opened slightly, then all the way when Dan saw his friend on his knees.

"Dan! Please, please tell me you didn't cut!" Phil cried, tears streaming out of his eyes.

"Phil," Dan paused a moment, looking his best friend over, then got on his knees next to him. "No. I didn't cut" Dan said, hugging his friend.

"Really? Are you lying to me?" Phil asked, wrapping his arms around his friend.

"Really."

"Good. I was so worried about you Dan"

"I know. Look Phil…About last night. You did say something that was.. important"

"What was it Dan?"

"You said…I don't know. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, or hate me for calling you out on it, or want me to leave, but… You said that you liked me. And not friendship way" Dan confessed, slowly drawing his arms back from Phil.

"Oh…I did? I, uh, well. Can we talk about this? Sometime soon?" Phil's face went straight red.

"_I did not seriously tell him that did I? I mean, I do have a slight crush on him, but something to really mention? I don't even know. He looks embarrassed to say it, Oh god! He hates me; he wants me to move out! I need to fix this!" _

"Yeah! Of course, uh, tonight? Whenever you want Phil" Dan said, sounding excited, then slowly disappointed.

"Ok, tonight. Over supper?"

"Sound's great. Here?"

"Sure. Tonight then, over supper"

"Will do" Dan smiled, then slowly stood up.

"I'm just going to… Yeah. Stuff." Dan's face went red too, as he slowly turned to go to his room.

"You do that. Yeah. Seeya..."

"You too" And Dan shut his door.

Nodding, Phil turned around. _"Did I just ask him out on a date? Oh no, what have I done! I can't just go say never mind now! Oh jeeze, do we need to talk tonight."_

**(Animated*= means excited, happy. Not just cartoons)**

**A/N. Thank you so much for the reviews! To be honest, I've been depressed lately, and the reviews just make me happy, and make me feel like its defiantly worth continuing! You guys are awesome! Thanks for reading, leave a review on what you think will happen next, what you want, what you think I could improve on, and what you liked! Thank you!**


	7. Chpt 7: The Date

**Dan's POV**

Closing the door, Dan turned around, letting out a breathe of relief.

"_Good thing he didn't ask to check. I think he would've been more upset if he knew I lied. Oh well, just make sure he doesn't find out," _Dan thought, wrapping his arm tight. _"Wait…Did Phil just technically ask me out on a date? Oh no, I don't think he meant it that way! I should go tell him never mind… No we do need to talk. I need to tell him how I really feel. He could put two and two together*, or I never get the chance again. If I love him after all, why can't I just tell him? One thing is for sure, I have to make a good impression. We may have known each other for a long time, but that doesn't matter. I want him to really give me a chance."_

Dan thought on about ways to impress Phil, make Phil like him in anyway. Do whatever it takes; he didn't want Phil to think of him as a creep.

Looking through his outfits, Dan went through about eighteen where he thought would be ok. He wanted to look good, but not over do it. Most people would probably think he was crazy, trying to make his best friend like him. But who wouldn't want to try Phil's lips? They were perfect. Everything about Phil was perfect! Even his pale skin made him look sexy. Every time he touched Dan, just to give a high five would make Dan ooze with happiness. How would those soft hands feel on his arms, legs, and chest? Those lips on his neck, the feeling of each other… It was too much, and Dan soon found himself very 'excited'.

"Shit" he complained, sitting down and looking at the clothes.

"_I'm hopeless. Thoughts turn me on. Thoughts. Selfish, lustful thoughts about my best friend. How sick am I? He will never look at me that way. I'm just a friend to him. Nothing more, probably less."_

Looking at the clothes, he picked out a few that he didn't like, and picked a few that he knew Phil didn't like.

In the end he chose his famous eclipse shirt, and a pair of black skinny jeans. He quickly took a shower, and made sure he looked and smelled good. Sighing, he decided it would have to do.

"Next step," he said. "Food"

Dan had plans to get Phil's favorite food*

"Once I get that ordered, I'll just have to wait. I wish I wasn't such a disappointment"

**Phil's POV**

"_OK, since I asked Dan on a date, might as well dress well. Better then everyday stuff I suppose. Oh, bother! He's probably just going to wear a normal day's clothes; He probably thinks I'm disgusting! He knows I think he's cute, I can't believe I let myself do that! I probably deserve it though; I did get drunk while he stayed sober. But still, I hate myself at the moment just for him knowing. This isn't fair. I have to make it up to him; I need to make a good impression. Or else, he might want to move out. So it's settled. I'll get food, make sure I look good, and take a shower. What else?" _Phil's thoughts ranted off, going from how miserable he was to how he could impress Dan.

"_Shower, Clothes, Food. There must be something else I can do?"_

Phil thought to himself, walking towards the shower, when he stopped in his tracks. The water was already running.

"_Dan must be in the shower. Bother. I suppose I do need to order food."_

So Phil went back to his own room. It was obvious he was nervous, he felt bad for even letting Dan know. Honestly, Phil didn't think it was a big deal until it was brought up. So why was it so important now?

"_I guess I'll just have to find out tonight" _Phil thought to himself.

Phil grabbed his cell, ordered the food, told them what time to be there, and looked through his clothes. In the end, it was his blue button up shirt that won him over. Figuring it wouldn't matter much, he decided a pair of skinny jeans would do.

Listening a bit rudely, Phil came to the conclusion that Dan was out of the shower, and headed to take his own. He stopped at Dan's door, just to stare at it being closed. He hoped to God that Dan didn't cut, or he wasn't now. Phil hopped in the shower; made sure he would look good, and then got out. Nothing was going to ruin this date. _Nothing._

"_Oh my god, did I just think date again? I'm hopeless. Dan would never like me, but the more I think about him, the more I realize just how much I like him. Like though. Right? It couldn't be love! No. I won't believe it; I am NOT in love with my best friend!" _Phil scorned himself, looking in the mirror. He was such a pale color, even his eyes were pale! Dan was so tan, so beautiful. Everything about Dan was…_"Perfect"_ Phil finished for himself, knowing that was the word he was looking for. Just the thought of the word, made Phil think of Dan. _"Stop," _Phil warned himself _"You're just going to get hurt. He doesn't love you!" _Sighing, Phil headed back to his room. It was time.

**Dan's POV.**

Both boys had been in their rooms all day, Dan doing whatever he could to impress, Phil whatever he was doing. The doorbell rang. As quick as he could, Dan ran to the door, stopping short when he saw Phil standing there. In front of two delivery men!

"Did you order out?" Phil said, turning to Dan.

"Did you?" Dan said back. Both nodded, smiling at each other. They paid, took the food, sat it down at the table and laughed.

"I thought we could have your favorite tonight" Dan blushed violently at his words.

"I thought the same about you" Phil said, his face going just as red.

"Well, looks like we bout each other food, enough for two. We have enough for four, but tonight is to talk. Eat as much as you can" Dan laughed, reaching in the bag. Phil laughed along, grabbing his own food. It was obvious Phil was nervous, which made Dan wonder if it was obvious he was nervous.

"_Why is Phil nervous,"_ Dan thought _"I have reason to be nervous. Just look at him, how hot he is. He's so skinny; he could eat all this food and not gain a single pound. Me on the other hand, I could eat a crumb and gain twenty pounds. Lucky guy"_

"Look Dan.."

"Look Phil…"

Both boys looked at each other. They had spoken at the exact same time, like in the movies. Except this wasn't a movie, this was real.

"You go first" they said together, each time blushing hard.

Phil finally went first, "I'm sorry you found out the way you did, I didn't think it was worth mentioning. And I thought you would hate me if I told you that I Lo-liked you. I feel so ashamed. I'm sorry Dan."

"You're sorry? Are you kidding me? I'm sorry I confronted you with it, I shouldn't have said anything. Plus, you shouldn't be sorry. I have to tell you something too. And I've been so scared that you would hate me for it that I didn't. Truth is…I like you. A lot. I have since day one. But I didn't want to bother you with my stupid crushes, so I never told you. And here it is, June and I'm just now telling you. We have been friends for almost ever and now…" Dan trailed off, looking down. He couldn't go on anymore, he was so ashamed. He hid the biggest secret he could ever have from someone he trusted the most. How could he be so selfish? So what if Phil hadn't liked him, or told him to bug off, at least he would've known! Shame was all he could feel.

"Really? Well... Now that I know, and you know. What do we do? Do we continue on, acting as if this is nothing, or doing something about it? For better or worse"

"I don't want to ignore it Phil. I want to do something; I want to…Be with you. As stupid as it sounds, I really do. But I will never force you to do something you don't want to, or don't feel comfortable with. Phil. I love you"

Phil sat for awhile, quiet and still as a rock. It was official. Dan's life was over. But his lie about love was too.

"I'm sorry" Dan said, standing up, about ready to walk off.

"I love you too"

"Wha-" Dan turned around, and instantly a pair of lips met his, a pair of hands on his shoulders. He stood there, in complete shock. He couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't process his feelings. Soon the lips left his, and Phil's pale blue eyes looked into Dan's dark chocolate eyes. They stood there for awhile, just staring at each other, until Dan grabbed Phil, kissing him back. They stood, wrapping their arms around each other, kissing over and over, back and forth. Slowly they stopped, not willingly but needing to breathe.

"You mean it then? You do love me" Dan panted, looking at Phil over.

"Of course" Phil replied, kissing him again.

Dan couldn't take it anymore; he grabbed Phil, jammed their lips together, and pushed him back, straight up against a wall. A moan escaped Phil's lips, as he kissed Dan back, and struggled to get free between Dan, who was holding him against the wall, and the wall.

**A/N! Sorry, I wanted to finish it there so whoever doesn't like Yaoi (guy x guy, smut, Rated M) could skip the next chapter. I promise to make the next chapter as quick as I can, but it might take me a day. Sorry if I don't update tomorrow, I try updating before 8 here! Love you, thank you for the reviews, favorites, and follows! I take suggestions, just let me know! **

_**(Put two and two together- figure it out)**_

_**(I don't know Dan or Phil's favorite food, I'm writing this at 3 A.M., and I don't feel like searching all of his videos for a false hope. If any of you know, can you let me know? And I wasn't entirely procrastinating; I did Google it, to come up with nothing**____**)**_


	8. Chpt 8: Bedtime

Warning! The contents of this chapter are a sex scene, Yaoi, Guy x Guy, what every Phan girl wants to happen, Smut, inappropriate for children. Read at your own will. Also, this is my first time writing this, so don't hate me if it's bad.

**Dan's POV**

Dan couldn't take it anymore; he grabbed Phil, jammed their lips together, and pushed him straight back, against a wall. A moan escaped Phil's lips, as he kissed Dan back, and struggled between his captor, who was holding him back against a wall, and the wall. Without any warning, Dan's tongue shoved into the mouth of Phil. The tongues fought for dominance while the kisses got sweeter and more passionate. In the end it was Dan who won. Dan swiftly put his arm around Phil's back, pulling him forward, and off the wall. With struggle to keep kissing, the two finally made it to the nearest bedroom, with no clue, or care, of whose it was. Once in the bedroom, Dan pushed Phil off of him, leaving the lion lover staggering and eyeing Dan, a lust filled look in his now fiery blue eyes as Dan slowly walked forward towards Phil, and shoved him down on the bed. Dan immediately lied down on him, continuing their kiss. Phil wrapped his arm around Dan, rubbing his hand up and down Dan's back. Every touch made Dan only more turned on; more in need of Phil. Phil rolled them over, putting Dan on the bottom. Phil's kisses peppered Dan's jaw line, under his chin, on his neck. Dan moaned out, his member rising slowly.

**Phil's POV**

Phil's hands lowered down to Dan's tight jeans, as Phil whispered in the chocolate eyed boy's ear "Do I get a sexy dance dear?"

Dan laughed out, his hands snaking up Phil's side, "Only if I get to see Phil naked". Phil snickered to his remark, kissing the side of Dan's neck down to the collarbone where he proceeded to suck and nibble. Moan after moan jumped from Dan's mouth, Phil's hands touched Dan all over, and soon in return, Phil could start to feel something stiff against his leg.

"_Oh my god, that is such a turn on"_ Phil thought, sucking harder, kissing all over Dan. Phil decided to turn it up a notch, taking his hand and slowly placing it under Dan's shirt, and then slowly creep up Dan's bare chest. "Oh god" was all Phil heard, which just encouraged him further. His hands were rubbing circle's against Dan's hips now, which was obviously turning Dan on. Quick as he could, Phil ripped off Dan's shirt, kissing up and down his loves chest. Dan decided to lead now, rolling them back over throwing Phil's shirt. Dan brought Phil back up to him, and again started making out, which turned Phil on further. Soon both members were fighting the skinny jeans, so slowly the boys reluctantly stopped the kissing to undress further. Laughing, Dan threw his pants at Phil who was midway out of them.

"God I love you Dan" Phil laughed, smiling at his radio co-host.

Once the two had removed their pants, Phil decided to lay back down first, letting Dan have the top. Phil co-star's lips touched Phil's lips first, then slowly went down, trying to kiss everywhere on the line he was creating down his friends body. Reaching the boxers, Dan gave a hesitant move before kissing the crotch of the boxers. An immediate moan flew from Phil's lips, as Dan's hands slowly reached up to pull down Phil's boxers.

"Are you sure you want to do this" He asked, looking up at Phil who nodded his head, gripping the sheets. He could barely move, all he wanted was Dan. Chocolate brown eyes watched him for awhile, making sure it was ok. Phil ran his hands through brown hair, until Dan finally let his soft lips lie on Phil's hard member. An immediately moan fell from Phil's lips as Dan took in as much as he could, bobbing his head. Phil's back arched in pleasure as he held back screams of enjoyment; he could feel himself coming closer to the edge.

"Don't stop, oh my god don't stop" Phil begged, slamming his head against the bed, steps away from going over the edge. Right before he was about to, Dan stopped, and pulled Phil down to him, kissing immediately, making Phil taste himself. Phil's hands went down on Dan, stroking his shaft in return. Dan moaned out, kissing Phil to stop the moans that wouldn't stop coming. Phil made sure to get out of reach of kisses, he wanted to see Dan as his hand moved around, seeing where his love liked the feeling the best, where Dan would moan, gasp, shudder, bite his lip, and where he gripped the sheets. Dan's hand went over to meet Phil's member, rubbing it as fast as he could, seeing who would go over the edge first. With a shout, Phil released, a few seconds later it was Dan's turn.

The two laid there for a moment, kissing sweetly to stop any awkward conversations. Tired, Phil cuddle into Dan's chest, who was happily wrapping his arms around the older boy.

"Are we going to tell anyone? Who and what are we going to say" Phil asked, kissing Dan's nipple, running his tongue around it once in awhile.

"We can cross that bridge when we come to it…babe"

Phil hugged closer to Dan. Everything was all so sudden; it went from best friends to lover in two hours. But it was true. Phil did love Dan, he really did. At least, that was what he was telling himself. Over and over, everything was so fast, he had to say something. So he said "I love you too Dan" and kissed him. There had to be some feelings, in fact, Phil _was_ sure that he liked Dan. But was it love? One thing was for sure, Phil didn't want to love Dan and end up being hurt. They would have to take it slow maybe? _"I just jerked him off after he gave me a blowjob, and I want to take it slow?" _Phil silently sighed. He had to think of something, he really did want to Love and trust Dan. But there were a lot of things in Phil's life that prevented that from coming easily. For now, he would just have to make sure Dan at least thought that Phil loved him. Until he really did.

**Dan's POV**

"_Did that really just happen? I can't believe it…It all happened so fast. I love him so much"_ Dan thought, kissing the top of Phil's head. But, was this going to last? What would happen if it didn't? Everything would be so awkward around the flat; would they be able to get over it? _"I don't want to think about that right now"_ Dan slightly tightened his grip around Phil. Right now, all Dan wanted was to hold Phil. Never let him out of his reach again. Yawning, Dan slowly closed his eyes, thinking everything over and slowly fell asleep with Phil in his arms.

**-Next morning-**

Dan woke, smiling with a sore jaw. _"Shit, my jaw. What the hell..."_ He then looked down, seeing Phil and remembering last night's events. Smiling down at Phil, he raised his sleeping beauty's head enough to kiss him lightly on the lips. Phil smiled into the kiss, kissing back and raising a hand to behind Dan's neck, pulling Dan forward and putting more pressure on the kiss. Laying his other hand on Dan's chest, Phil slowly crept up Dan's body, getting so their faces were right in each others, the kiss getting more heated. Dan lifted himself from the kiss, wasting no time to get to Phil's neck as he immediately started kissing and sucking, desperate to give a hickey. Phil held tight to Dan and rolled so the one on top was Dan. Dan bit down, then sweetly kissed and licked where he bit, then went to sucking it and repeating. He went on like this until a deep, dark purple appeared on Phil's neck.

The two stayed in bed like this all day, taking turns kissing, giving hickeys, touching and sucking, and just holding each other. To Dan, nothing could've been better.

**A/N. That took me about 13 hours to write. Hope you enjoyed, sorry it sucked! : ( please don't hate me, I need to work on it. More Phan coming soon, keep reading!**


	9. Chpt 9: The Suicide Note

**For those who did not read Chapter 8: Bedtime, this is what you missed. Phan happened, and now Phil is starting to question if he actually loves Dan, or he is just saying it to make Dan happy. Dan doesn't know, and is in total love with Phil. Now they are currently trying to decide who to tell, and how to word it.**

**Dan's POV**

"Hey baby" A voice whispered in Dan's ear, making him shudder and jump from his laptop.

"Yes Phil" He asked, turning his head enough to see Phil. Today was a grey button up flannel with black skinny jeans for Phil. Dan removed the laptop from his lap, grabbed Phil and lied down, pulling Phil down with him and kissing.

"We do need to talk about Phan, and when we announce. If we are" Phil kissed under Dan's chin, making a tiny moan creep out of Dan.

"What did you have in mind dear" Dan asked, a hand snaking its way down to Phil's seat, the other hand on Phil's back.

"We could make a video, tweet. Whatever you want darling" This time, both boys laughed. They had been calling each other those stupid cheesy names since that night, seeing who could be the cheesiest. The British boys were basically drowning in their own competitiveness, let alone each other's combined. Dan's lips caught Phil's, a sweet and slightly heated kiss. He pulled back still biting Phil lip, tasting and licking it.

"Down boy, it's too early" Phil laughed, kissing his loves neck.

"Whatever you say love muffin"

"Ha ha! Ok, ok you might've won by that one. But don't think I'm giving up sweet cheeks." Dan smirked, gave Phil a kiss then got Phil off of him enough to stand. "I am going to the bathroom then my room, I'll work on it, I promise baby doll"

Walking into the bathroom, Dan quickly shut the door, hesitated, and then locked it. Now that Phan was official, they usually didn't lock the doors. In fact, all the doors in the house stayed unlocked now except the doors to leave. Sighing, Dan knew what was going to happen. He stepped in front of the mirror, giving a small frowny face. Picking up the hems of his shirt slowly, he lifted it off his body. He looked at himself in the mirror, cut marks still engraved on his chest. He looked back over at the shower, eyeing it. His thoughts trailed back to before Phil even knew he liked him. Before the party. The night before the party to be exact. He had been in the shower for two hours. He sat down on the sink, staring at the shower. _"The shower where I attempted suicide"_ His mind spoke, his brown eyes getting darker. Phil didn't know. He couldn't. Ever. Curious, Dan jumped off the counter, and looked at where he had thrown the bottle. It was still there. The bottle that used to have about twenty pills in it. Now it was empty. Dan went over the events of that night. First he had came into the bathroom, locked the door, undressed, and looked in the mirror. So, Dan turned, and looking in the mirror. He had called himself a list of things, each word running through his head felt like a sting. _"Fat, ugly, I hate myself, Pig"_ The words echoed a few times in his head.

"_I had turned on the shower then, and gotten in. After I had tooken a shower, I had checked the cabinet, and found some pills. I wrote a note, turned off the water, and sat on the ground. For a good ten minutes I had just sat there, looking from the note, to the door, to the pills. Then after those ten dreadful minutes… I opened the pill bottle. I popped them all in my mouth. It was disgusting, I could barely get them down, I had to drink water from the sink just to get a few down. It was hell, getting them down about three at a time. Soon after I started getting dizzy, the pills were kicking in. I lied down, I felt so bad. I felt like I was going to be sick. Suddenly, I managed to get up, and throw up in the toilet somehow. That was the worst part, violently throwing up. Somehow, the pills weren't killing me. They were making me horribly sick. At one point, I could barely see. All I could do was throw up,"_ Dan grabbed his head. Just the memories of this event were making him sick. "_I remember my breathing had slowed down._ _Soon I was gasping for breath, which just made me throw up more. It was the worst 40 minutes of my life"_

Shaking his head, Dan got in the shower, took a quick shower, got out and dressed, then stopped dead in his tracks. Next to the sink, hidden pretty well was the note. He picked it up, shaking badly, and re-read it.

"**Phil, I'm sorry it's ending this way. I love you, I always had. I just couldn't take it anymore; you were all I wanted in life. Don't blame yourself, please forgive me, Dan"**

Dan's blood ran cold, his face whiter then fresh snow. He had been so selfish, how could he have done that to Phil? One thing was for sure. Phil could never know. Crumpling the paper up, he angrily threw it at the mirror, grabbed the paper and threw it in the trash bin.

Walking in his room, he made sure he was alone, locked the door, and cried himself to sleep.

**Phil's POV**

"Guh…" He moaned, waking up slowly. Looking at the clock, he growled. 3 A.M. Standing up, he lazily and exhaustedly walked towards the bathroom. No part of Phil was happy that he had to get out of bed at 3 in the morning just to use the bathroom. He walked in, did his business, washed his hands, and walked towards the door. Suddenly, something caught his eye. Turning, Phil's eyes fell upon a crumbled up paper, messily thrown in the trash. Curious, he picked up the paper.

"Phil, I'm sorry it's ending this way. I love you, I always had. I just couldn't take it anymore; you were all I wanted in life. Don't blame yourself, please forgive me, Dan"

He looked up, completely confused. Then it hit him- This was a suicide note.

"Dan" Phil screamed, bolting out of the bathroom, running straight for his loves room. "Dan" He screamed, trying the knob, finding it locked. They never locked their doors, not anymore! "Dan oh my god, please open up! Open the damn door Dan, Dan Please" Phil screamed, pounding against it, tears falling out of his eyes like a river. "Dan, please, if you can hear me, open the bloody door" Phil begged, hitting the door over and over. The door finally opened, standing a tired and grumpy looking Dan.

"There better be someone fucking dead Phil, I swear I…Phil" His eyes went huge as his love collapsed on him, pushing him back, but he was quick enough to catch himself from falling. "Phil, what on earth? What's in your hand?" Taking the paper from Phil, he looked it over and stopped talking. "Come inside Phil".

Dragging the sobbing Phil, Dan managed to get them to the bed. No one spoke, Phil just sobbed into Dan's chest.

**Dan's POV**

"_Now I've done it. I can't believe he found the note… I feel so bad for him, I don't know what I would do if I found a suicidal note saying All he wanted was me"_

Dan sighed, stroking Phil's hair.

"Can we talk about this tomorrow morning" Dan asked, kissing Phil's head, who could only manage to nod into his chest. Pulling the covers on top of them, Dan held onto Phil tightly, letting Phil know for sure that Dan wasn't going anywhere.

**A/N. I know, I'm such a bitch for cutting this short. But, if I find the time, and the idea's to do so, there should be another upload today! Keep watching, I'll do my best for two uploads today! Also, as of right now, we are at 940 views! Thank you so much! That's probably not a lot on here, but I don't care, I feel so happy just getting 1 view, but 900? That's awesome. Who knew the cure to feeling down is you guys? Thank you for the awesome reviews, I take suggestions! Let me know what you want to happen next time!**


	10. Chpt 10: Fights and Death Threats

**Don't hate me, read till the end before you flip that table.**

**Phil's POV**

"_I have to stop him, I have to stop him. It's my fault, I have to stop him" I screamed. I don't know how long I've been running. All I knew was I had to stop him, whoever it was, from doing whatever they were doing. When I finally came to a door, the air in my lungs was burning me, and I could hardly see anything. Still, I threw opened the door and with whatever power I had left in me, and screamed stop. "It's too late Phil. I love you". I whirled around to the voice, needing to see who I was saving and stop them. "Dan stop" I screamed. But it was too late. Dan dug the knife into his heart, blood immediately falling from the hole he now carried in his chest. The only part of the knife I could see was the handle; the rest was embedded in him. His face went pale in seconds. Right before he fell to the ground, blood spurted from his mouth, spraying me with the red, warm liquid. He fell. I looked down. I was dripping in Dan Howells blood."_

"Phil wake up" Phil's eyes flung open.

"Dan" he whimpered, grabbing onto the large figure above him. Phil couldn't move, he could hardly breathe at this point. At some point he realized he was shaking. He clung to Dan like a fly to fly paper. After a good 20 minutes, Phil finally was able to let go.

"Phil, are you ok? You were screaming, saying it was you had to stop him, and then you screamed Dan, Dan stop"

Phil told him about the dream. Dan stayed quiet for a long time.

"How dare you write that note? What happened, when was this written? I thought you were dead! Then to top it off, you locked your damn door" Phil accused.

"I wrote it before the party."

"Why? You can't just write these kinds of notes! Dan, what happened?"

"Phil..Please. I don't want to-"

"Tell me god damn it" Phil interrupted screaming.

"I… I attempted suicide" Dan confessed.

"You what" Phil growled.

"Phil" Dan started.

"No. Damn it Dan, how dare you attempt suicide. And to leave a note like that? How dare you. I would've killed myself. I would've died. I can't believe how selfish that is! And then you never told me! How could you Dan! I can't believe this! I thought we were perfect, that you were in love with me, and that everything is finally good. And now I come to find out that you attempted suicide! How selfish is that! Did you really think that committing suicide was better than to man the fuck up and tell me! What in fucking hell gave you that idea! I can't believe this" Phil got out of the bed, he was trembling in hatred. Nothing could've made him any angrier.

"I never meant for you to find out" Dan said, defending himself.

"Oh, and that's supposed to make anything better! That's a stupid idea Dan. So damn stupid!" Phil spat. Dan looked hurt for a moment, then angry.

"Well telling me I'm stupid isn't going to solve shit!" He challenged back, standing up and getting in Phil's face.

"I'm not in the wrong here! You could've seriously gotten hurt Dan. Or did you? What happened when you did so Dan? What were your damn results" Phil challenged back, pushing Dan.

"Why the fuck do you care" Dan said, pushing Phil back.

"Don't give me shit. What happened" Phil growled, grabbing and shaking Dan's shoulders.

"I got sick damn you!" Dan screamed, throwing Phil's arms off him, and shoving Phil back, sending him flying to the floor.

Phil jumped up, running and pushing Dan back, making Dan fly into a wall. Taking advantage of this, Phil grabbed both of Dan's wrists, making sure Dan couldn't push him back.

"Tell me what all happened. Now" He demanded, pinning Dan to the wall.

"Fuck you Phil," Dan said looking away, then back to Phil. "I went, took a shower, found some pills and paper. I locked the door, took the pills, slowly. About two at a time until all twenty were gone. I wasn't able to breathe for awhile; I was losing sight until I started throwing up. Over and over until I couldn't throw up anymore. I lied down on the floor, and slowly was able to breathe again. Right when I could move, you knocked on the door, and I left. Never saying a word about it."

**Dan's POV**

"_So, now he knows. And completely hates me. I don't blame him"_

"Now that you know, how is that going to benefit you any" Dan questioned, smirking.

"Don't you dare start on me Dan. I swear I outta"

"You outta what." Dan fought back. It was obvious that both boys weren't happy about the whole ordeal. Dan had enough of being pinned to the wall, so right when Phil's grip loosened he kicked Phil and pushed him back, making Phil tumble to the ground. Jumping on top of the stunned boy, he held down the older boy's arms, a leg on either side of his chest. Phil seemed to have caught on, struggling to get free of the younger boy, but unable, he wasn't as strong as Dan.

"Can we just talk Phil? I don't want to hurt you, and I don't like it when we are being held down. Unless of course we are making out, but that's completely different. I don't want to fight" Dan begged, leaning down and kissing Phil's cheek.

Phil didn't talk for awhile, but he finally nodded.

Slowly Dan got off him, letting Phil stand and sit on the bed, Dan plopping down next to him.

"I wish you would've told me." Phil whined, hugging Dan's side.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I put you through all that. Do you forgive me" Dan asked, almost crying.

"Of course, if you can forgive me" Phil said, taking Dan's hand and holding it.

"Why do I have to forgive you Phil?" Dan said, looking at him questioning.

"For forcing you to tell me. For holding you down and for fighting with you" Phil said, kissing Dan sorrowfully.

Dan sat silent for awhile, then said, "It's no problem. Can we just kiss and make up, like in the movies" Dan asked, lying down on the bed.

"Ha ha, whatever you want Danny" Phil said, leaning down and kissing Dan.

Dan kissed back, placing a hand on the back of Phil's neck, pulling him on top of Dan, the kiss gradually becoming more heated. Phil's arms found their way around Dan, a hand of Phil's pressing them closer together. Dan smiled into the kiss, pulling back laughing.

"What's so funny babe" Phil kissed his smiling lips.

"We just had an immense fight and now we are literally making out" Dan laughed.

"Well, you did say you enjoyed being held down when making out" Phil teased, grabbing Dan's arms and pinning them down. Dan purred in excitement, pretending to struggle. Phil's lips met Dan's neck, sending Dan moaning.

"You're such a fucking tease" Dan kissed Phil's head, who was happily sucking on Dan's neck.

"And you're not?" Phil moaned into his neck, a hand slipping down to his loves crotch.

"Not as big as you" Dan replied, squirming under Phil.

Phil laughed, grinding himself against Dan. A buzzing sound came from the bedside table, making the two stop kissing for a moment and look at the phone.

"Well…Shit" Dan sighed, moving Phil's hands off him and to the phone.

"What is it" Phil whined, kissing Dan's neck.

"A text, unknown number." Dan said, curious.

"Well"

"Phil" Dan started, sitting up shaking.

"What" Phil asked, looking at Dan.

"It's a death threat"

**A/N. Sorry! Today was a shit. The literally only good thing was that we hit 1,200 views today. I'm sorry. Please don't hate me, please review. Sorry : (**


	11. Chpt 11: Daniel

**Dan's POV**

"What? What do you mean it's a death threat?" Phil demanded, taking the phone from the silent Dan. The silent one kept his quiet, only thinking of the texted words_. _

"_You fag, I hope you die in hell, I know where you live, I am going to kill you bastard"._ The words echoed throughout his body, making him shake and hold his head. Far off in the distance Dan heard Phil say something, what, Dan had no idea. Suddenly hands grabbed Dan's shoulders, shaking him violently. Still, not a word came from his mouth, the shaking eventually stopping. He wasn't feeling so good suddenly, and with more distant words from Phil, Dan casually leaned over the side of the bed, getting rid of the contents of his stomach. This time a scream fell from Phil's mouth, or was it his? Dan fell back on the bed, out cold.

**Phil's POV**

"Dan" Phil yelped, grabbing the body of his unconscious friend.

"What the hell" he almost screamed, grabbing the phone and furiously texted back, demanding to know who it was, and what was going on. No response. Feeling Dan's temp, Phil discovered his love was burning up, so he quickly got some ice packs, laying them on the parts of his chocolate haired loves body that were boiling hot. Kissing him lightly on the lips, Phil left Dan to rest, checking on him frequently.

"Oh Dan" Phil said sorrowfully, though he had nothing to be sorry about. But why did that text make Dan throw up then faint? Something didn't make sense, he was missing something.

**Dan's POV**

"_Faggot! Fat! Gay! Loser! Dumb! Bastard! Emo! Freak! No one will ever love you dog!" They screamed, shoving me around. Laughing, one boy tripped me, sending me flying to the ground. All the boys joined in then, kicking over and over, trying to see who left the worst bruise. Innocently I raised my hands to shield my head, which only encouraged kicks to the head. No one stopped the boys, they kicked until they were bored, fading away slowly. When the last bully left his mark and left, I slowly started getting up, gasping in pain every time I breathed in. Mum was not going to be excited when I turned up at home. Heading on my now a million miles away journey, I limped along, seeing if anyone else was going to surprise attack me. Sighing in relief when I saw my house, I quickened my pace, hurrying to get to my house. Then I saw it. Stopping short, I saw my uncle's car parked in front of my house. I turned around, walking in the opposite direction. I couldn't do it. My mother and I weren't abused by our father, like in most cases. It was my uncle, on my dad's side. Every time he ran out of money for drugs and alcohol he ran to my parents for money, claiming it was for bills and child support. When mum found out the truth, she told him no. He was half drunk when he grabbed her hair and threw her against the wall, slamming her into it over and over. I tried stopping him, only to get attacked worse than mum. My arm and nose were broken, a scar was formed on my chest and I had a black eye. Dad didn't care to stop it; he was either drunk or working. The word got out I had been abused by my uncle, and people twisted the words to sexually abused. My best friends who swore that they would help me get through it and defend me were some of the people who were beating me up earlier. Life is shit._

**Phil's POV**

"Stop...stop...stop it, please..." Dan mumbled tossing and turning in his sleep. He grabbed his head, as if someone was punching or kicking him there.  
"Dan" Phil looked up from his IPhone game confused. Suddenly Dan started screaming,

"No, no stop it! Don't touch her! Get the fuck off! Ahh!" He screamed punching in the air and grabbing things such as his nose and arm.

"Dan! Dan, bloody hell wake up" Phil screamed, running over to his dreaming friend. After what seemed like forever, Phil managed to get the younger one awake, holding him and telling him it was ok once he did for comfort. Dan was shaking pretty hard, and wasn't speaking.  
"_I have to get to the bottom of this"_ Phil thought sternly. He couldn't bare seeing the guy he loved in such pain.  
"Dan, what is going on? What about that text made you sick with such a fever" Phil asked sympathetically.

"N-n-nothing" Dan answered, barely above a whisper.

"That's not true. Dan please, tell me!" Phil pushed on, kissing his head.

"I will... But not right now. Really, I promise to" Dan said, watching Phil. Phil sighed, having forced himself to be content with Dan's crummy answer. _"Gross, crummy"_ Phil thought, shaking his head in disgust.

"What" Phil heard Dan say defensively. Phil just shook his head before leaning down and kissing his boyfriend.

"If I'm as sick as you say, you better stop kissing me" Dan raised an eyebrow. Phil blushed, lying down next to his sick friend. It was weird, calling Dan his love, friend, and boyfriend. But they were friends first, just now they were dating and in love... right? Phil still was questioning the whole love idea. Sure, he could say it, but did he mean it? One thing was for sure, he had a lot to think about. Especially the possible reasons that he could be so upset about the whole ordeal. Phil turned on his side, wrapping his arms around Dan, laying his face in Dan's neck and kissing lightly. He could feel Dan place a lazy arm around him. They lazily slept together, waking up at about six that night. It had been ten when they fell asleep. Finding Dan's temp gone down immensely, and not tired at all, they went and played video games for about an hour, then to the kitchen for food.

"What do you want to eat" Phil asked, looking through the cabinet for some sort of snack.

"I don't care, I'm not really that tired" Dan said honestly, sitting down.

"Well we have to eat someth-" Phil was cut off by the sound of the door being knocked on.

**A/N. Sorry for the short chapter wrote this while camping. Hope you enjoyed, Let me know who you think is going to be at the door! Give you a hint; it has to do with the text!**


	12. Chpt 12: What is that?

**Thank you to the following people, their help gave me the idea and motivation to write this chapter.**

**Maltesers24**

**INeedATripleTallExtraHotLatte**

**Phil's POV**

"Don't move" Phil whispered, staring at the door with big fiery blue eyes. Sudden rage filled him up, more then he thought he could mull. Glancing over at Dan, he wasn't even sure if Dan was breathing. Silently handing a pan to Dan, Phil looked around before grabbing a kitchen knife and a baseball bat they had lying around. The bat looked as if it had never been used, although truth be told they had had it for about two years. Dan snuck behind a corner, close to the door, in case Phil couldn't take whoever was at the door alone. Raising the bat slowly, making sure the knife was close, Phil grabbed the door, pulling it open. Seconds before he was about to hit, he heard a voice that was strangely familiar.

"Don't hit, holy shit don't hit" the owner of the stereotypical British accent cried.

"Fucking hell PJ get in here you dipwad" Phil moaned, pulling him in and quickly closing the door. Nodding, KickthePj quickly got inside, looking confused at Phil.

"Dan it's ok, it's just PJ" he called out, looking at the corner where the hidden Dan remained. Dan emerged soon after, lowering the pan.

"Bloody hell, what's going" Pj said, looking the between the two. Dan looked at Phil, then back to Pj.

"We received a death threat this morning" Dan confessed, handing the phone to Pj for him to examine. Suddenly, PJ went pale, his green eyes getting big.

"Peej, what's wrong?" Phil asked, noticing the differences.

"I need to call Chris, then we need to talk" Pj said, whipping out his phone and calling Chris quickly. He didn't talk again until Chris got there.

"Bloody hell what's the emergency and why did you send me a death threat this morning Peej" Chris demanded, not bothering to knock, hence walking in.

All eyes ran to the sight of PJ. If there was any color left in his face before, there certainly wasn't anymore.

"How fucking dare you. You send me and Dan a death threat this morning, making Dan sick suddenly, then you show up with no explanation, you invite Chris over, and now I hear you were the sick bastard that sent the death threat. I should fucking gut you" Phil screamed, lurching forward towards Pj, making Chris and Dan hold him back.

"Look I don't remember sending the text" Pj finally screamed, silencing the pissed off Phil. There was a long silence afterwards.

**Dan's POV**

"What" Phil finally growled, standing up. Dan's eyes turned huge, he had never seen Phil that angry. It actually scared him.

"Phil" Dan said, trying his best to keep his voice from shaking.

"No. What the fuck do you mean that you don't remember sending the text" Phil demanded, grabbing Peej by the shoulders and shaking violently.

"Phil" Dan screamed, grabbing him back and holding him against a wall. After a few minutes of struggling, Dan was able to keep Phil held back from Pj. Phil obviously wasn't going to calm down by himself, so to try and make things better Dan lightly kissed Phil, wrapping his arms around the raven haired boy. After moments of Dan's lips against his, Phil finally kissed back, wrapping his arms around Dan in return. The two held each other and kissed for awhile, not excited for when they had to let go. When lack of oxygen pulled them apart, they turned to find a very confused and 'I knew it' look on Pj and Chris's faces. Phil's face turned a very lovely shade of red, as Dan shrugged and kissed Phil again, just to show him off. Sitting down, Phil apologized to Pj, and to make sure, Dan sat in his lap, landing his head on Phil's neck.

"Can Peej continue without you trying to kill him now" Chris smirked, seeming very amused by their best friend's new relationship. Phil nodded, looking apologetic at Pj.

"As I was saying, I don't think I was the one who sent the text. Someone must've stolen my phone, or somehow hacked it. I would never send those messages; I thought you would understand that. But what I really don't understand is two things. How someone would hack my phone, and why my phone doesn't have history of the written words." Pj continued.

This time it was Dan who rolled his eyes. Something wasn't sitting right, you can't just hack someone's phone! Could you?

"Well, let's research it?" Chris questioned. Everyone seemed skeptical, even Peej.

**Ten Minutes Later**

"As stupid as this sounds, I think everyone found the same results" Phil said, looking up. All nodded their heads. According to Google, it was possible. Not only that, but people would post video's and instructions on how to!

"So this could be any idiot" Dan said observantly, leaning over and hugging Phil. Phil's arm wrapped behind Dan, pulling him even closer.

"Look, I know you guys are together and such, but no PDA!" Chris laughed, interrupting Dan and Phil's hug.

"Jealous!" Phil laughed, kissing Dan's cheek. Dan blushed, kissing the older boy back. Dan could feel Phil's hand pressing his back towards him, making any space in between them disintegrate. The younger one soon found his own arms wrapping tightly against his love, moaning slightly into the kiss.

"Hello, still here" Pj's voice interrupted them from going any further.

"You two sure do love each other. Speaking of which, when were you planning on telling us? Or anyone for that matter?" Chris joined in, every syllable pulling the boys from each other.

"Well, we did talk about it...We were thinking until we kind of just forgot about telling anyone." Dan sighed. He should've thought about it, after all his fans did deserve to know. But was Phil ready? He looked over at Phil, who just looked down.

"If you're not ready, we don't have to dove" Dan smirked at his joke. Phil looked up with a look of 'You're kidding, right?' when he heard dove.

"Ha-ha, I'm sorry, what?" Phil cracked up, tears ready to leave his eyes, again another result of hearing 'dove'. Chris was laughing too, holding his side in pain.

"Shut it right now!" Phil laughed, looking between the two. Dan laughed, kissing Phil again. Phil kissed back, kissing with passion. Dan pulled back, nodding his head at Chris and Pj.

"Again, hate to break it up, but seriously. Are you going to tell anyone?" Chris asked. Pj nodded in agreement.

"Only if Phil is comfortable" Dan said, looking at Phil again. He shrugged. Dan smiled at his boyfriend, leaning over and hugging him. That feeling where something wasn't right crept back into Dan again. What was going on? Should he tell Phil?

"_Don't be silly! Phil would just think I'm crazy if I told him "Hey, Something isn't right, I don't know what but something". I have to find out what first"_ Dan confirmed with himself. He looked over at Phil, giving a grin. He slyly looked him over, from his feet to his legs, his eyes traveling up slowly as Phil went on talking to Chris and Pj about whatever. Dan's eyes traveled up his lion-loving boyfriends torso, getting to his neck, then decided to trail down his arms. His head made a sudden jerk, and his mouth fell agape.

"Dan?" Chris asked.

"Hey, can you guys come back in about two hours" Dan said, not letting his eyes leave Phil. Phil's head fell down, his knee's coming up to meet the head. He quickly tucked himself in, not daring to look at Dan.

"Wha-" Pj began, but Dan stood up quickly ushering the two out.

"Should we call you later or somethin-" Chris started, only to have Dan slam the door in his face.

"Phillip Michael Lester" Dan yelled, walking towards the living room. When he re-entered the room he was previously in, 'Phillip' was no longer found. In response to Dan's yelling, Phil's bedroom door was heard being slammed.

"Don't you dare lock that door" Dan screamed, running to the room. Once he got to the door, he immediately started banging, knowing the door would be locked.

"Phillip you better open this door right now" Dan said, banging harder.

"No" he heard in response.

"Don't you dare tell me no! Open this door or I swear to Maltesers I will break it down" Dan fought back. There was no mistake to what he saw.

"You're going to yell at me" Phil whimpered.

"Damn right I'm going to yell! What the hell Phil, what are those cut marks for" Dan said, tears brimming his eyes.

"Just shut up" Dan heard from the other side of the door, tears were obviously in Phil's eyes.

"No. I won't leave you to just sit and cry, and do that! You never let me do it, no matter how hurt I was, or how much I fucking cussed at you! I am getting inside" Dan yelled, the tears falling down. The sound of sobs spilled from Phil's room, causing Dan to sob himself, he looked around frantically, finally finding the baseball bat from earlier.

"I am not leaving you in there alone" Dan said, before taking the bat and swinging it violently at the handle. Several hits and five minutes later, Dan found the door to be unlocked as he quickly ran in.

"Daniel!" Phil cried, looking up into the dark brown eyes of his boyfriend. Without hesitation, Dan ran over, jumping on his hurt boyfriend's bed and sitting down next to him, hugging him hard. The next ten minutes was just tears and apologizes.

"Can we talk about this" Dan finally asked, kissing his boyfriend over and over, trying to calm down his sobs. His response was a nod.

**I am so freaking sorry that this is a short chapter, and that it took me for freaking ever to write! Also sorry this is a shitty chapter : (. Please don't hate me? I've been helping my best friend out with her new story "Scared Breathless"! It's really good so far, so check her out! Her username is INeedATripleTallExtraHotLatte. Yeah, that's a mouthful. I promise to update more! Please review of what you thought, why Phil is cutting, and what should happen next! Bye!**


	13. Chpt 13: What Have I done?

**Warning- this chapter contains self harm and triggers. **

**Phil's POV**

I held on tightly to Dan. How was I supposed to explain these cuts?

"_Oh, I don't love you, so I cut myself, want some Maltesers?" _Just thinking about having to tell the truth drove me to sobbing.

"Shh, it's ok Phil. It's ok" Dan's voice was calming.

"_Great, he is so nice, helpful, and loving towards me, how the hell am I supposed to explain to him that I don't love him_?" I just wanted to cry, even though I already was. I just wanted to give up on everything! Nothing mattered anymore, only Dan. He's going to break up with me, angered on how I lied to him, on how I deceived him! I still wanted to be with him, I really did. But could he live like that? Dating someone you're in complete love with, but knowing that they don't love you back? I fell into harder sobs.

"What?" Dan asked, sounding completely shocked. When I looked up at him, his face was pale. I couldn't breathe suddenly. _"Oh my god, did I just say that aloud? How much, oh my god, he knows, he hates me, he is going to break up with me, why Phil, why? I have to leave, before he starts telling me he hates me! I couldn't bare that, please don't"_

I couldn't handle it anymore. I sat up, and quickly got out of Dan's reach. What seemed like five seconds later I was in my car, parked in front of the radio station. I didn't cry. I sobbed. How could I do that to Dan? How much did he hear? Out of frustration, I grabbed the first thing I could and threw it at the window, causing a massive crack to appear on the passenger window. Shit. I quickly backed out, and drove around, looking for somewhere just to calm down at. I don't even know where I ended up.

**Dan's POV**

"Great, he is so nice, helpful, and loving towards me, how the hell am I supposed to explain to him that I don't love him?" Phil's words slurred out his mouth, quiet, but loud enough for me to just barely hear. I sat in shock, registering what he just said. I don't think he realized that he had said anything.

"What?" I breathed, tears building up in my eyes. He looked up at me, confused. Then realization brushed and coated his face. Suddenly he jerked up, quickly getting out of my reach and running.

"Phil!" I screamed. My only response was the front door slamming. Where was he going? I tasted the tears before I noticed them, running to grab my own keys and quickly punch the button for the lift. I had to stop him! I wanted to talk to him! About five minutes later, when the lift finally arrived, I realized that he would be long gone. What could I do? I knew for a fact he wouldn't have his cell with him. All reality came crashing down on me as I fell on my knees, tears running to jump from my eye onto my cheek. Phil didn't love me. I silently managed to get to my room, half crawling, half walking. I managed to crawl onto the bed, sobbing my eyes out. How could any of this happen? Yesterday we were laughing, kissing, touching and in complete love…

"_Apparently not!" _My thoughts jeered at me.

Have you ever been tortured by yourself? You realize that you hate yourself, that everything you do is wrong, and you're just horrible in all ways? Have you ever been relieved to feel that metal cut into your skin? The blood that gently comes out almost…friendly? Your own skin ripping a relief? Yeah. There was only one problem.

Phil wouldn't be here to tell me it was ok. Phil wouldn't be here to tell me I wasn't a little bitch, or that it was fine. He wouldn't tell me never to do this again. Phil wouldn't say I mean too much to him to ever do it again. *

I raised my shirt. Last time's cuts were fading. Soon, new cuts would be there. A tear fell just before I;

**Phil's POV**

My eyes slowly opened. I must've fallen asleep in my car. I looked at my car's clock. _"1:30 A.M."_. It had been about midnight when I left. Could I even bare to go back to Dan? Would he hate me, try to get me out of our flat? Sighing, I only had one choice.

"_Drive and see what happens"_

**Dan's POV**

Lying down, I groaned in pain. I checked the clock, 1:30. I was tired, my arms and chest burned. I started to close my eyes when..

"_You know what you should've done? Killed yourself"_ My mind tempted me.

"No" I said aloud. If anyone was here, I probably would've sounded like a crazy person.

"_Who's it going to matter to? Who is honestly going to miss you?"_ My mind jeered.

"Family, Chris, Pj, My viewers…Phil" I said.

"_Oh really? Let's see, your mum and dad because they have to, being your parents and all, Chris and Pj are a joke, every time you are in a video with them, or mention them, their subscribers, views, and more importantly, their paycheck goes up. And are you a fucking deaf cunt? You heard Phil. He doesn't love you anymore! Why would he? Look at you dumbass, you're covered in cuts, you're a disgrace to society, nobody actually loves you. Remember, Daddy was drunk while Mum and you got beat senselessly by uncle? Hah! Oh, and don't forget your dear friends. Ahh, I can hear them now "Faggot, Loser, Dog, Cunt, Ugly". Don't forget them. You should totally stay alive, I was completely wrong. Oh, before you make up your mind, don't forget! You have strangers sending you death threats. So you would actually be doing the whole fucking world a god damn favor. So, let's see. We are going to live, aren't we? Oh. Now you're questioning."_

"Stop" I screamed. I couldn't take this, not right now, not ever. My chest felt tighter, my breathe was shorter, my head spinning. If I was standing, I would surely have fell on the bed by now. I closed my eyes, tears falling quickly. The worst part of all of that was it made sense. And most of it was probably true…

**Phil's POV**

Getting to my flat's door, I sighed. It had taken a good five minutes finding my way home. Thankfully I had my car key and my flat key on the same chain. When I went to unlock it though, I found it already unlocked.

"_Unlocked..How strange"_ I thought to myself, silently pushing the door open.

I reached my room, and looked around…Something was…missing.

"_More like someone"_ I thought silently to myself. Though I'm pretty sure Dan is going to break up with me, I decided on going to check up on him. No matter what, I would stay strong and still care for him. Slowly opening his door, I looked in. There Dan was, sobbing horrendously with his shirt off. Tears were all over him. _"Wait..That is too dark for tears!"_

"Dan!" I cried out, running in and examining him quickly. His whole torso and arms were covered in cuts! I'm not sure if he even heard me, he just kept crying, not bothering to acknowledge me. I ran to the bathroom, quickly coming back with supplies to fix him up some.

"Dan, Dan speak to me!" I cried, quickly covering his battle wounds.**

He moaned and gasped when I pulled the gauze tight around his arms, tears slipping from his eyes more calmly every time I talked. I told him over and over it would be ok, that this wasn't his fault. He just cried, he wouldn't even open his eyes. I felt such shame, such guilt! I knew, I knew this was _all_ my fault. I had caused someone I loved, someone I wanted the very best for to self harm themselves. How could I ever make it up to him?

"Phil" Dan said, pulling me out of my self loathing.

"Yes? Dan, speak to me, what's wrong, what do you need?" I said, ready to pounce and get anything he could ever need.

"I'm sorry" He apologized. I sat back in shock. He was sorry? What the hell did he have to be sorry about?

"You're sorry? Are you kidding me? Don't you dare start with how you're sorry. You don't ever say that, not ever again. I don't care what the problem is, or if it's your fault, you are not allowed to say that Daniel. It's my fault, I should've stayed here, talked to you, I should've told you how I felt when I did. I was afraid of how I felt, I was afraid that something would happen and you wouldn't love me anymore, so I told myself that I didn't love you. Now I've given you a reason to not love me, and I have to face that I do love you. I'm scared. I'm petrified that you don't love me anymore, right when I fell in love. I'm sorry" I confessed, tears stroking. He stayed quiet for a long time, not talking.

**Dan's POV**

"_He said..He loved me" _I thought over and over. Phil loved me. I closed my eyes, the thought soaking in. Was he just saying it to make me happy; to give me a will to live? Or did he mean it? Something about the way he said it made me really think he did mean it. But I was almost afraid to believe him. I wanted to _so _badly, but I was afraid. As selfish as it sounded, he had hurt me. Emotionally, enough to hurt me physically. I didn't want to go through that heart break again; I wanted to know he meant it before I believed it. I took his hand in mine. Just holding his hand made me feel so much better. There was no denying it, I was in utter and complete love with Phil. Nothing could ever change that, no matter how bad he hurt me. I loved him. And that was that.

**Well. Fuck. How do I explain? I need to update more. No excuse. I've been helping INeedATripleTallExtraHotLatte, and together we ended up making an account that will soon have a story on it. We are making a little challenge out of it, so I write one chapter, and without telling her what happened in that chapter she writes the next. It might be a fail, but we are mostly on the same page, thinking it would be a good idea. If you want to follow us on there, the account name is SwaggitySwiteWeLikeToWrite. I know, right? Please review, What do you think should happen next? So sorry about the late chapter! Bye!**


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